Raise the Bar
The year was 2022 and I had just moved out of my marital home two months prior. I was spending a few days on a yoga retreat, in a southern, beachside town among new and kind faces. One evening after our sessions, we broke for free time. I sat on the beach with journal in hand, burrowing my feet in and out of the sand as I remembered an encouragement I received from a trusted friend. She told me to write down the qualities I desire most from my husband. Pen to paper, it didn’t take long to flood two pages with what my heart desired. Perhaps it was all of the breathing and stretching, fresh air and new surroundings that enabled the thoughts to freely flow. I paused in gratitude, thanking God for the opportunity to be there, peacefully present in this moment. I decided to re-read the list out loud for any processing that it could offer, and with each line, the peace in this moment grew darkly somber. With each line, the tearful reality etched deeper. I had titled this list, “My Husband,” and my pen slowly drew one, solid, line through My. My then husband, was none of these things.
I wanted a partner who was honest.
I wanted a partner who desired to know me intimately.
I wanted a partner who chooses God, and then chooses me.
I wanted a partner who protects our marriage.
I wanted a partner, who simply wants to do life with me.
I circled back to this list a few months after I moved South. I had not touched the lined pages, ran my fingertips over the desperate words from this particular journal entry, in more than a year. So much had changed since the day I believed my then husband would become that person. So much had shifted in my heart as I had passed through grieving and radical acceptance. I exhaled as I read this list of what I desired most in a partner; now in a new space, and with a completely fresh start at life and opportunity.
I would candidly joke among my circle of fellow betrayed partners, that if I were to ever remotely entertain dating, the expectation bar was on the ground. As if having someone to eat dinner beside and make weekend plans with, were miniscule and seemingly ordinary desires. More specifically, I did not hold what I desired most in a partner as attainable. I had seen some of the very worst that a human can inflict on another life and marriage, and my current baseline rested somewhere between these desires do not exist in a partner and these desires would take a lifetime of weeding out to find. Dating, was not on my radar. But curiosity and readiness for a partner if the opportunity should arise, was…
I return to this list. I return to the expectations that a younger me once believed were unrealistic and unattainable, and share what I now render as an opportunity to raise the bar. An opportunity to believe in the goodness of another human. To believe in a God that can and will align us with someone who aligns with His plans for our life. Today, I raise the bar. If it matters to God. If it matters to me. If there were to be a next time. Then this is the bar.
My A Husband
Faithful - loves & honors God.
Genuinely honest - no secrets.
Desires to know me intimately.
Present.
Demonstrates compassion & empathy.
Lives with purpose.
Challenges me to grow.
Chooses God, then chooses me.
Slow to anger.
Patient.
Leader in our marriage & outside the marriage.
Knows who he is, and whose he is.
Fights for our marriage.
Shares new perspectives on life.
Confides in me his concerns, insecurities, and fears.
A judgement-free love, free of resentments.
We work out the hard stuff consistently & together.
We are a team, a support & comfort for each other.
We do life together.
In sickness - he cares for me deeply, in my times of weakness.
In health - he chooses his own health (spiritual, emotional, physical) and encourages me to do the same.
Maintains healthy relationships with family & friends.
Establishes & maintains clear, healthy boundaries.
Enjoys new experiences, big & small.
May we all have the opportunity to approach the idea of dating, a relationship, and intimate love with a firm foundation that is not of this world, but of our own expectation.
May we remain firm in this foundation, considering it a road map that aligns our core values with those we desire in a partner.
May we let that which is in the past, rest there, and diligently prepare our hearts for the what and who is yet to come.
